ChUGG, ChUGG, ChUGG: A Cocktail Party

UGG, which is actually known as UGG Australia (so that's who makes these things), has finally deigned itself to open a store on Newbury Sreet. For the boots most popular with high school girls in the more popular cliques what could be better to celebrate the grand opening than an ironic cocktail party co-hosted by GQ. It's not until next Tuesday, but I can already imagine how it will go: 

ACT 1

UGG Representative (in Australian accent): Welcome, ladies! Tonight I’m happy to-

High School Girl 1: Aaahhh. Did you hear his accent! It’s....AUSTRALIAN! Or something!

All HS Girls: Aaahhh. (Everyone tweets, #guyswithaccents)

UGG Rep: Ha ha. You caught me, ladies. Actual Aussie here. (under his breath) I fucking hate the States.

HS Girl 2: He’s so charming! Can you do a British accent?

UGG Rep: Ugh, well, no I’m from-

All HS Girls: (chanting) British. British. British! British! BRITISH! BRITISH!

UGG Rep drains the contents of his martini glass. He stares down into the empty vessel thinking about how easy it would be to smash it into his skull and end this miserable charade he calls a life. He could have worked on a beautiful farm or been a crocodile hunter, anything but this. He looks around his brand new store. He sighs deeply.

HS Girl 1: I think he’s going to do it! (All open their twitter apps, anxiously)

UGG Rep (sighing deeply again): Well, ‘ello, poppets. T-tonight I’m ‘appy to- (tears begin to stroll down his cheek)

All HS Girls: Yay! (All tweet furiously without paying anymore attention to UGG Rep, #queensenglish, until curtain).


ACT II

GQ Rep: Hello, young lady.

HS Girl 8: Check out this creeper.

General LOLs.

GQ Rep (takes out cigarette, puts it in her mouth, and lights it with one hand while combing his perfect coif with the other): I’m sure you’ve read our magazine. We’ve managed to take an outdated idea and keep it young and hip. Obama’s been on the cover twice in two years!

HS Girl 8 (vapidly): Who?

GQ Rep (nervously laughing, while demonstrating that his pants have absolutely no pleats): So, you are a fan, right? (loudly so that the others can hear) GQ is still relevant, right?

HS Girl 8: OMG. LOL. fj49$(%h  9&#($fh#94 u9 73$8hd@_!

GQ Rep: I’m sorry, what?

HS Girl 8: Oops, LOL. I accidentally hit Number Lock.

GQ Rep: But you’re speaking out loud.

Silence.

GQ Rep: ... with your mouth.

HS Girl 8: W/e, old man.

She turns and begins to walk away.

GQ Rep (Revealing that he’s stylishly not wearing socks with his Italian leather loafers): But GQ is still cool, right! RIGHT?!?!

Lights dim slowly. GQ Rep falls to his knees with a spotlight on him.
Curtain.


ACT III

HS Girl 3: ZOMG, these daiquiris are sooo yummy.

HS Girl 6: Yeah they are! I feel like such an adult, wearing my exposed sheepskin UGGs, leggings, jean skirt, and drinking alcohol.

HS Girl 3: Like, me too. Wait, did you say alcohol?

HS Girl 6: Chyeah, Jenny got it for me; she has a fake.

HS Girl 3: Lucky, mine’s a virgin.

Only Boy There (wearing MUGGS, aka man UGGs): I’m a virgin, too!

Silence as both girls stare at him. He shuffles away, more aware than usual of his acne.

HS Girl 6: Oh, no! I spilled some on my new UGGs.

HS Girl 3: Well, you bought the $20 Care Kit and put on the UGG Protector, which prevents your $250 “boots” from getting ruined, didn’t you? Because even water can ruin these “boots”.

HS Girl 6: FML! I carelessly forgot. Now I’ll have to buy a new $250 pair of UGG “boots” and the $20 Care Kit so that wearing them in weather appropriate for boots won’t ironically destroy them.

All HS Girls: Great idea! Let’s all buy $20 Care Kits to protect our “boots” from these cocktails.

UGG Rep (rubbing hands together manically): Finally, my plan is working. It was all worth it!

HS Girl 17 (spending hundreds of dollars): OMG, this is so Teen Mom!

Curtain.