The dismissal of the drunk-driving case against BRITNEY SPEARS has brought a ceremonial end to the downfall that ushered in a new Golden Age of tabloid journalism. Let’s all take a moment to reflect on the good times, those salad days when every week brought a dose of delicious schadenfreude, when we woke up every morning thinking, “This is it, this shall be the day when she finally does a bunch of PCP and commits seppuku on live TV (and maybe we’ll get to see her genitals again).” But alas, now she’s “together” enough to begin discussions about starring in her own weepy bio-pic, which will of course lack the tragic, hilarious ending for which we all so desperately hoped.MORRISSEY, it’s reported, is planning to publish his memoirs and set the record straight on his lifetime of scandalous headlines. “So much crap is written about me,” he told a BBC interviewer (no doubt referring to this writer), “it’s hard to live with sometimes.” Soon after this announcement, Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand stole an unfinished copy and tried to sell it to the dude from JAMES.
Famously cagy about his sexuality, Mooze continued the interview with some praise for his new album, which I prefer to read as a veiled comment on his male anatomy: “It’s fantastically strong. It’s very, very strong, and it’s interesting for me after all these years, but it’s the strongest.” That’s what he or she said!
And if you’re wondering what happened to Years of Refusal, which was supposed to come out this month: it’s been bumped back to March 1, 2009. No! By then, we will have spent our last $16 on the new NICKELBACK album!
MICHAEL JACKSON raised eyebrows this month by moving into a new Las Vegas pad that just happens to be right across the street from an elementary school. Since the King of Pop has been acquitted in the whole childy-touchy affair, I don’t think it’s legal to make jokes about him being a slavering pedophile skeleton, so you’re just going to have to use your imagination. But don’t use your imagination too much, you sick bastard.
In other Vegas news, DONNY AND MARIE OSMOND have extended their contract as the headlining act at the fabulous Flamingo. If you have any wee inclination to give a shit about this news, I’m kind of surprised you made it this far into the column, because, wow, you’re really not the demographic I’m going for.
I know I made fun of KID ROCK only a few weeks ago, but I just have to swoop in for another pass. Please take a moment to enjoy this press-release headline: “VH1 Storytellers: Kid Rock.” Really, just swish that one around a little and savor the bouquet.
And speaking of press releases: once in a while one comes along that’s such a perfect little piece of art that I want to reprint it in its entirety, particularly because I’d be getting paid for clicking “COPY” and “PASTE.” But I think my editors would get wise to that [EDITOR’S NOTE: “Indeed we would”], so I’m going to have to whittle the majesty of this thing down by a few hundred words.
Let’s start with the headline: “Sir Ivan Makes Music History — First Singer To Complete Entire ’60s Album in New ‘Rocktronica’ Sound.” See, I know you’re already intrigued as hell. “Who’s SIR IVAN? What is “Rocktronica”? Is this as retarded as it sounds?” The answer to all three questions is, well, yes. A mere glimpse:
The album’s concept actually began eight years ago with Sir Ivan’s dream to record a ’60s album that would generate royalties for world peace. . . . What sets I AM PEACEMAN apart from other modern interpretations of ’60s music is its fresh, exciting blend of rich melodies and harmonies with live guitar riffs and an undercurrent of electronic beats — a sound known as “rocktronica.” . . . Sir Ivan is planning a global “I AM PEACEMAN” tour with his band. The album, currently under consideration by major labels, can already be heard at www.sirivanmusic.com.
I urge you to go to that site and listen to the thing, which is more godawful than you could possibly fathom from what you just read. Since he seems like such a nice guy, I’d really hate to be the one to have to tell Sir Ivan that his cutting-edge “rocktronica” sound is 1998-er than Monica Lewinsky watching You’ve Got Mail. Oh and here’s the single best sentence in any press release ever: “To further promote peace through his music and foundation, Sir Ivan always performs in peace capes.”
Peace capes, dude.
